How to Identify the Subtle Traits of Toxic Relationships
Best friends forever? Here's how to spot a toxic friendship.
You can also read this article on my Psychology Today column “Un-Numb: Re-Write Your Narrative”
Key points
"Toxic" is far from a clinical diagnosis, but it describes behaviors stemming from psychological issues.
Toxic traits may be subtle and hard to identify.
Trust your intuition. It’s okay to let go of unhealthy relationships.
A toxic person is someone whose presence consistently breeds stress, conflict, insecurity, and emotional pain. They frequently disregard boundaries, are self-centered, and leave others feeling drained, trapped in a cycle of neediness, control, manipulation, and, at times, outright abuse.
While "toxic" is far from a clinical diagnosis, it is a term commonly used to describe behaviors rooted in underlying psychological issues. These behaviors may stem from personality disorders, mood disturbances, and unresolved childhood trauma, or attachment wounds that manifest in destructive ways.
Children who grow up in negligent or abusive households often repeat dysfunctional relationship patterns. The survival strategies they developed to navigate their chaotic world can result in damaging and unhealthy dynamics in their adult relationships. Yet, while these maladaptive behaviors may be traced back to childhood trauma, they remain damaging and unacceptable.
Toxic Traits
Inconsistency: While everyone has fluctuations in mood and behavior, toxic friends often take this to an extreme, acting in ways that are erratic and unpredictable. They may be inconsistent in their communication—you may never be sure if they will keep their word or follow through on plans. Their emotional reactions can be impulsive and volatile. This level of unpredictability may make you feel as though you are walking on eggshells and feel insecure in the relationship.
Jealousy: Competition and even jealousy among friends are not only normal but, evolutionarily, a necessary part of growth. It’s important that we learn ways to manage our difficult emotions, such as jealousy, rather than letting them take over. Jealousy is a human emotion that we all experience from time to time, however, if it comes from a place of self-centeredness and low self-esteem, it may be unhealthy. Good friends are invested in one another’s well-being, but toxic friends may not demonstrate that. Remember, your friends are people with whom you celebrate your wins, not people from whom you hide your success.
It’s always about them: Friendships are meant to be reciprocal and take ongoing time and energy. In healthy friendships, everyone’s perspective is valued, emotions and needs are validated, and there is empathy. If you feel like your friend’s neediness is suffocating or they only reach out when it’s convenient for them, it might not be a healthy and stable friendship.
Lack of accountability: In healthy friendships, there is a commitment to understanding each other’s perspectives and taking responsibility when things go wrong. If your friend refuses to acknowledge their part in conflicts or is unwilling to make efforts to repair the relationship, the friendship might be dysfunctional.
Manipulative: Good friends have open communication, can be transparent with one another, and accept each other’s perspectives. Behaviors such as gaslighting—where someone tries to make you doubt your perceptions or memories—or always making you feel like it’s your fault, is a common behavior of toxic people. Bending the truth, exaggerating, or omitting information to control your opinions and behaviors is damaging and erodes trust.
Pushing boundaries: Healthy friends respect one another’s boundaries and try to act in accordance with their friend’s needs. In contrast, toxic friends interpret personal boundaries as abandonment or rejection. Intrusiveness, disregard for your privacy, excessive demands for attention, and refusing to honor your limits are clear indicators of toxic traits.
Signs You Might Be in a Toxic Friendship
You often feel anxious, insecure, or on edge in their presence.
Your emotional needs are consistently sidelined or dismissed.
They exhibit controlling behaviors and refuse to compromise.
They belittle you, tease you, or disguise insults as jokes, leaving you feeling bad about yourself.
You are frequently guilt-tripped, finding yourself apologizing even when you have done nothing wrong.
They take no accountability for their actions, shifting the blame onto you.
They attempt to change fundamental aspects of who you are—your mindset, lifestyle, or core values.
They are energy vampires; you feel emotionally drained in their presence.
The relationship is one-sided—they take more than they give.
They are emotionally volatile and unpredictable.
They only reach out when they need you, rarely offering support when it’s your turn.
They show little interest in your personal life, your emotions, and you find that most conversations revolve around them.
How to Manage Toxic Friendships
Regulate Your Emotions: You can't control someone else’s actions and emotions, but you can control your own. Incorporate healthy coping strategies such as mindfulness, meditation, and breathing exercises to get in touch with your body and your feelings. It's important to take care of your physical and emotional well-being. Self-reflection and awareness building around your triggers and evaluating repeating relationship patterns will help you find healthy and supportive friendships.
Communicate: Especially if it is someone you care about, letting them know how they make you feel will give them the chance to repair. Having open conversations about the friendship will increase connection and vulnerability and will lead to healing. Let your friend know what you are experiencing using “I” statements. For example: When you don’t call me when I need help, I feel abandoned.
Remember that we can never ‘fix’ someone else. The desire to help our friends, especially when they are going through difficult times, can be overwhelming, but in truth, we cannot do someone else’s work. Everyone is responsible for their own healing, although we can offer them support and encourage them to get the help they need. Talking to a mental health professional can help them identify the reasons behind their behaviors and help them learn better ways to manage their feelings.
Friends may decline your help, but what matters is that you made the effort to be there and support them.
Set Boundaries: Set clear and consistent boundaries around how you want to be treated and what your limits and expectations are. Hesitation to set boundaries may be due to fear of how they are going to react and to avoid angry outbursts or retaliatory behavior. Toxic people may resist your boundaries and attempt to push back and make you feel guilty or even threaten you. It is important, however, to enforce the boundaries, otherwise a healthy relationship will not be possible. If your friend continues to disrespect the boundaries you set, it’s okay to limit or avoid interactions with them.
If effective communication doesn’t work, or the situation escalates to predatory behaviors such as stalking or even abuse, cutting ties may be necessary. If you feel threatened, taking legal measures and getting the professional help you need is crucial.
Talking with a mental health professional can help you identify patterns and build awareness of your role in the relationship and learn to set boundaries. Understanding why this person makes you feel the way you do can help you overcome toxicity and move on from it in a healthy way.
References
Balan, D (2024). Confidently Chill: An Anxiety Workbook for New Adults. Routledge.
Khullar, T. H., Kirmayer, M. H., & Dirks, M. A. (2021). Relationship dissolution in the friendships of emerging adults: How, when, and why? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(11), 3243-3264.
Schacter HL, Hoffman AJ, Ehrhardt AD. The Power Dynamics of Friendship: Between- and Within- Person Associations among Friend Dominance, Self-Esteem, and Adolescent Internalizing Symptoms. Journal of Youth and Adolescence. 2023 Jun;52(6):1206-1218.